My so called love story & life?

When you know that you're not going to be with that person you love, you don't seem to be able to accept the fact that you're not meant for each other. I love him so much but I know that he's not mine. It does hurt but GOD knows better and HE holds the future. It is sad for me. It is unbearable but it's for the best. I may not know what future holds for me but I do know that I have faith in GOD. I'm just sad that I am deeply in love with him but I can't be with him. It's just weird because I can be myself around him. He accepts me for who I am. I tried that with some other men but I don't feel that similar chemistry when I am with him. I can talk bubbly, laugh out loud and just go crazy when I am with him. It is also odd how that can happen. We can be silent and simultaneously be all fine with it. He comes into mind where ever I go, what ever I do and when ever it is.

I'm 25 years old and I don't feel like I'm a woman yet but I am. Some single girl friends of mine are so obsessed that at this age most of their friends are either engaged or married. I don't seem to care about it. I'm still going out late at night and still chilling. He used to tell me that he hated me going out so late at night. That gave me the sign that he cared for me. Perhaps love me too. Some men can't say that they love their woman because of their big EGO in their mind. I don't blame them or him. I understand that some people are brought up in families that don't say 'I love you' to their children much and that results to women or men like him, a person that doesn't expose their love to other people through words but through actions.

I am a Pisces and I've read that my compatible soul mate is a person with a horoscope of Cancer written all over him BUT that's all in the readings of horoscopes. GOD the Almighty has the answers to our life not the horoscope. Yet all in all, it's a great way to know people's behaviour when you know their horoscope sign. *wink*

This few passing days, I feel like I need to go for runs. I want to run until my heart beats so fast that it makes my adrenaline rise so rapidly that it makes me race to breath heavily and catch my breathe. Sometimes I just don't know what I want anymore. I have to get my mind straight. What are my goals besides making my parents feel happy and be fulfilled? I. . . .feel like I'm running out of time.

. . . .about my love for him, don't worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid. I'm not going to commit suicide and trouble parents besides, I'm too smart for that. =D I know I have to move on whether I like it or not. Well, I'm slowly getting there. Perhaps, I would text him sometimes just to catch up as friends but other then that I've gradually slowed down from contacting him. Perhaps a 'yay' for me? =)

Where will this leads to? I mean, my love story; where will it leads to. . . .to be frank, only GOD knows.

Give me strength.

Seriously, I feel like I'm dying emotionally. What the heck has become of me?? Sigh! It's like there is no end to it. I feel horrible. Dear GOD, what is it that I'm missing out right now? Why am I still dwelling with this unbearable sting that has kept me so emotionally sick? I don't think I can stand it any longer. I do know that I'm not supposed to act like this and it's only the satan's wish if I continue doing this to myself: suffering and crying and the heartache.. . .sigh! Forgive me dear Lord for being so weak.

My 25th Birthday!=)

I'll make this short and sweet. Yesterday, I celebrated my birthday with my loved ones. In the morning, went out to meet Shahir (my old friend from Twintech) and Mas accompanied me. Yay! I'm glad she did because I would have cried from all those detours. Urgh! I hate detours. Shahir came to Kuantan because his cousin got married and he said he only had me in mind to invite over. He invited to come over his aunt's home in Batu 12, Kuantan so that we could meet up. It was about a year plus that we didn't meet. We can't even remember when was the last time we met. HAHA. . .

Then, after I've watched the Bride and Groom to arrive, I left. Shahir didn't remember it was my birthday, so I told him. I know he's not the type who remembers people's birth dates. After that, my next plan was to go for karaoke with K.Ana Khalid and K.Lina. I sent Mas home and I went straight to K.Lina's. I knew I would be little late to pick up K.Ana, so I called K.Lina to pick her up first to refrain K.Ana from waiting. I reached K.Lina's at around 2.15pm. We went to Kuantan Parade and sang for 2 whole hours like nobody's business.=)

Later at around 5pm, we went for ice-cream. There was this new shop called 'Sweet Chills', quite fancy but I liked it. It's all yogurt and fulfilling.=) Great place for love doves to hang out besides girlfriends like we were.=)

I stopped over to meet Azgar and Nal at Palm Tree a place where they are working while K.Ana went to buy some cakes at the pastry shop. But to be frank, I wanted to go to the toilet too. So, kill 2 birds with one stone? Perhaps!=D Well, we left after we saw them for about 5 minutes. Then, I sent the K.Ana and K.Lina home and went home.


BUT. . . . .the day is not done yet! *wink*

I still had a dinner date with my lovely parents. I came home at around 6pm and got ready to out for the dinner date. Dinner was fine. I just love quality time with my parents especially when that day is my BIRTHDAY!=) Overall, I had loads and loads of fun yesterday! I couldn't imagined that it would feel so enlightening for me.

For the past few days was horrible. My heart ached so badly and I broke down so negatively that my tears didn't stop running down my cheeks. Yesterday, was a total opposite of all those frustrations and sadness. I am so blessed! Thank you, GOD! Syukur!

I take this opportunity to thank everyone who wished me on my birthday. Really loved all your wishes.=) Summing up, I am grateful to GOD's gift for yesterday. I know there is something that YOU have given me that made me felt so alive again yesterday: 11032012! Syukur!

First quarrel thru phone call.

D and I quarreled through the phone for the first time. It was just a small itsy-bitsy problem. When I came to think of it again,it was a very tiny matter. He shouted at me for the first time and I shouted at him in anger for the first time too. When I got back home yesterday night I was so sad and I felt so unappreciated. I couldn't care less I just went to sleep. Lucky for me I was exhausted. (i just got back from visiting my grandfather in Senawang, Seremban). I put my head and I went to sleep straight away. I felt too dejected last night.

This morning I woke up feeling uneasy. When I felt that way, I knew that I've done something wrong because I felt this enormous amount of weight hanging in my chest and my heart hurts so badly. When this happens, I absolutely had done something wrong. I instantly recap of what has happened last night.

. . .and I started to ask myself these questions. Perhaps the line was the problem when D called me and it wasn't clear of what he was telling me? Maybe it really was just a misunderstanding? Could it be that his words of  'kau lepak je lah sane' was just him being sarcastic? He must have been angry at me when he said those words and thought that I wanted to go to another place instead of the place he told me to go to. Did he knew that I didn't know that he actually wanted me to go there (the place where he was really at)?

I felt guilty instantly because I shouted at him and he was scolding me through the phone in front of everyone. I bet he was ashamed as well. Sigh! I know sorry is the last resort now but I would try either ways to get us on good terms again.

I text him and wanted to meet up but he refused to meet. I could only apologised through few texts and he didn't reply much. I could tell that he was still mad at me. I knew that he couldn't talk to me yet because we sort of bumped into each other and within that few seconds standing there, I tried to say something but I didn't; hoping he would but none. I walked off and looked back several times but nothing as well. He was very mad at me.

In one of his reply to my text, he said he was a little offended but he said there was not a need to meet up for that and that I don't have to worry of anything.

All of the above are all about frustrations and I don't fancy all of it. It was not my intention of hurting his feelings. At the same time, I do understand that everything happens for a reason. Yesterday was full of twists from GOD and I know why HE did it. What ever has happened yesterday, I praise the Lord for the love and I cherish it so much. Thank you and syukur, Ya Rasullullah. <3

For D, I hope you live a happy live where ever and with who ever you choose to be with. Sincerely, from me. Cheers!

Happy vs Sad (Get up!)

What do I feel now?
I'm sad.

What should I do now?
I should not dwell on it for too long.

Why must I not dwell on it for to long?
It is because I have my parents to think of and I must be fit to take care of them. (emotionally, physically and spiritually)

What is my next step?
I have to re-energize myself in order to make my parents happy and I have to find ways to gain more life for them. When I mean life, I mean financially and quality time with them. =)

So, why am I still passive right this instance?
I miss my family.

Why do I create this negative emotion? Does it make things better?
No, I don't think so.

What is the solution to this matter?
I have to pray to GOD to make myself strong and trust HIM, no matter what happens soon in future. For what is worth more and valuable now is only GOD and the time left with my parents.

Then, GET YOUR SORRY ASS UP AND MAKE THE DIFFERENCES THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOING NOW!

No matter what happens in your life, you are NOT ALONE! Be positive! Syukur Ya Rasullullah. <3

Tears

How could you?
Be ignorant.
How could you?
Be self-centered.

People see,
It flows to the sea,
People hear,
It rushed to the rear.

Feel the pain,
Feel the hate,
One be seen as insane,
But no one knows it is fate.

Tears of joy,
Rarely take,
Tears of hate,
Mostly made.

What I currently long for. . .

Family photo.
Family gathering.
Family dinner.
Family Eve Raya saying forgive-ness.
Family hang out.
Family holiday.
Family barbecue night.
Family discussions.
Family with me.

When I was young, I always thought of how lucky I was to have three brothers and that I'm the only daughter in the family. I felt that I'll be protected by my 3 brothers and I felt my brothers would also protect my parents when they grow old. Some things didn't go according to plan. Firmly, GOD knows best.

Hey! Call me an emo-freak or what ever but this is just what I want so badly nowadays. No wonder I felt so happy when I meet my immediate cousins from my fathers side or when I go and visit Ibu (my aunt from my mother's side). I feel like I belong. I feel so much care and love there. In a family, that kind of feeling is suppose to stay, forever.

I'm not asking for you to put pity on me. I just needed to express myself. I know GOD has HIS reasons for writing my story of life like this and I'm grateful HE did 'cos everything happens for a reason and I know all of it is for me to improve myself in life. Especially with my parents along side me. I just hope I'll be ready when they leave me soon. ='(

Emotionally Breakdown.